the pork-bolter
APRIL 2001


HUNDREDS of MPs may have to be slaughtered after a suspected outbreak of Foot In Mouth disease in the House of Commons. The crisis has been sparked by none other than East Worthing and Shoreham MP Tim Loughton. He set alarm bells ringing when he described his own party leader, William Hague, as a "baldy with a funny accent". (Worthing Guardian, March 30). Said a leading vet: "If this isn’t a tell-tale sign of Foot In Mouth infection, I don’t know what is. With comments like that flying around, we just cannot afford to take any risks. MPs are going to have to be culled, for everybody’s sake." Initially, it is believed that only the backbench areas around Mr Loughton will have to be cleared. But there is a danger that the contagion could soon spread to cabinet level and also be carried to local councils, Quangos, business lunches and other places where politicians gather and infect others. There is a particular risk of the disease spreading during a general election campaign, with MPs driving and flying all over the country, and it is for that reason that the poll had to be put back from the original May 3 date. The Porkbolter has seen secret plans showing how the controversial cull could be carried out. MPs would be lured out of the Commons on a false pretence to avoid mass panic and stampeding - possibly being told there was a photo opportunity in Parliament Square. They would then find themselves surrounded by a ring of 17,000 riot police and army snipers, who would be able to take out the politicians cleanly and without causing disruption to central London road traffic. The MPs’ bodies would then be carried in a huge convoy of army trucks, escorted by RAF jets and a crack squad of highly-trained TV presenters, to Greenwich, where they would be stacked in the Millennium Dome and then set on fire as part of the Saturday night National Lottery show. A MAFF spokesman said: "Obviously it will be highly unpleasant to have to dispose of the MPs in this way. But you have to remember that they are sick individuals and of very little real value. Quite worthless, in fact." In the longer term the country will have to decide whether to replace the national MP herd by means of a general election - with the obvious risk of recontamination - or whether to simply learn to live without them, with people growing their own democratic representation at an organic grass-roots level.

Keeping plebs out of countryside

SO much for the countryside being open for business (an important word that, so much more important than "people"). There is still no sign of West Sussex County Council re-opening the county’s footpaths, despite the absence of foot and mouth from the county or surrounds. It seems that "rights of way" are not quite what they sound. And whispers of hidden agendas were confirmed by comments from senior Tory county councillor Bill Cantello who has called for the Government to abandon its right to roam policy because of the foot and mouth "crisis" and for a block on the designation of new footpaths (West Sussex County Times, March 30). He complained: "Farmers, particularly those with animals, have no control whatsoever over who uses a designated footpath across their land." For the likes of Cantello, the foot and mouth outbreak clearly represents a convenient opportunity to finish off the job that was begun with the enclosures in centuries past. First they tell us we can’t live on the land and now they tell us we can’t even walk over it. We should probably be grateful they even graciously allow us to be born in the first place. And if these despots persist in denying the people of Sussex access to their own countryside, their own birthright, during the spring and summer months to come, they may well find they’ve bitten off more they can chew...

Advance to Oxford Street!

SICK of the way Big Business runs everything in this privatised pit of pestilence and pollution that used to be England? Bored to tears with the spin doctors and politicians who tell us that delivering more power into their gang’s hands will make us all happy again? Prepared to stand up and be counted and demand a better life for tomorrow? Why not take a day off what you normally do on Tuesday May 1 and head for London for a rather special game of Monopoly? This is a day of protest with a difference. People are being invited to use their initiative, get together with a friend or two, and stage some kind of protest, however small and inoffensive, outside some London-based organisation that annoys you (and don’t say there aren’t any!). Connections to the Monopoly board are an added bonus. If you can’t manage your own micro-protest, if you drift around a few of the streets featured in the game you should run into something interesting happening. Then at 4pm, head for Oxford Street for a carnival-style celebration of the Mayday festivities. Take a chance, advance to Go! Judging from past experience, the day is unlikely to get rave reviews in the media - they’ll either ignore it or slate it, like they do with any threat to the establishment. For accurate info as to what went on, go to the next meeting on May 8 (see Pork Scratchings). Contacts: BM Mayday, London WC1N 3XX,,, tel 07989 451096.

Porky Pie’s Top Tip of the Month!


Spray thugs alert!

PAID thugs armed with noxious spray weapons are heading for Worthing, it has been revealed. The sick bully-boys are openly boasting of how they intend squirting a painful chemical solution into the eyes of anyone who dares challenge them or their shadowy power-crazed boss known as The Guv. And they claim that such is their organisation’s stranglehold on the courts, judges and authorities that they run no risk of prosecution for their planned assaults. One gang member told The Porkbolter: "We are going to show people in no uncertain terms who runs the show around here. Nobody messes with the Guv. And don’t even think about squealing to the Law coz The Guv is the Law, know what I mean?" He said Worthing residents should "count themselves lucky" that he and his mates were "only" going to blind them with a chemical spray. "Put it this way - would they rather we caved their skulls in with a piece of wood? They should be grateful that The Guv is a very civilized man and will only use the minimum of force needed to protect his own interests, if I’m making myself plain. But they want to be sure that they keep on the right side of him, otherwise things could REALLY get naughty." An official Sussex Police spokesman said the spray, known as Captor, used Nonivamide, a synthetic version of the pepper capsaicin, dissolved in a solvent and dispensed with a propellant gas. He warned: "The spray will force the eyes to shut and will cause a temporary burning sensation around them. Everyone who’s been sprayed will be seen by a police doctor." (Patrol, April 2001) A report in The Big Issue (April 2-8, 2001) said the spray "causes noses and eyes to stream and a burning sensation in the throat, immobilising those it is used on". It added that Amnesty International is concerned about its use. Other weapons that may soon be seen on the streets of Britain include a laser to be aimed at people’s eyes and an electronic stun probe. The new chemical spray is expected to be in general use by Sussex Police by the end of the year.

Military police on streets

IT has come to something when Tory MPs start warning that the Government is creating a unaccountable national paramilitary police force - but that is exactly what is happening. A new bill gives the scary Ministry of Defence Police extensive powers to arrest civilians anywhere in the country. Reporting the opposition of Tory defence spokesman Robert Key MP, The Guardian noted (April 2): "Opponents believe the government wants to use the 3,700 officers in the MoD police to help make up the shortfall in local police forces and deploy them, in particular, during demonstrations." All MoD police can carry guns. They are not subject to police complaints authority investigation or to the same disciplinary procedures as normal police and the force is pretty much a law to itself. Explained the report: "It is an MoD agency controlled by a senior civil servant and the defence secretary without outside scrutiny."

One way of looking at it

MORE complaints are being made about Sussex Police than most other forces in the country, latest figures have revealed - and apparently this is great news! Lib Dem politician Dr James Walsh, who is Sussex Police Complaints Committee Chairman, claims in this month’s police propaganda paper, Patrol, that the high number of complaints is down to the fact that "our complaints procedure is very accessible." Yeah, right. So what would he have said if the number of complaints had been very low?

FORMER Evening Argus reporter Phil Dennett has joined Sussex Police as a Press and Public Relations Officer. He told police paper Patrol: "I see my role as primarily promoting the positive work that the Force carries out." So why leave the Evening Anus, Phil?

Poor way to run a society

THE RICH are still getting richer and the poor are still getting poorer, revealed The Guardian (April 2). The number of millionaires in Britain is rising by 17% a year and has now reached 74,000. Meanwhile, 26% of the population is said to be living in poverty, with a steady unrelenting rise in the figures since 1983. Not exactly fair, is it? But remember - don’t try to do anything about it, or you’ll just end up with a load of chemicals in your face.

It’s so cool to be a victim

COMPULSORY ID cards have long been a wet dream of all those busily turning England into a police state. But there is such resistance to the idea that they have been unable to push it through - yet. So the backdoor approach has been adopted - issuing Citizencards to teenagers who need to prove their age. Once the young generation get used to the idea of having these voluntary cards - hey presto, you make it compulsory without a whisper of protest. Needless to say, the media are happy to collaborate. Gushed the Shoreham, Lancing and Steyning Guardian of March 30: "Carrying a Citizencard is cool". And it’s cool to have your phones and e-mail bugged by the secret police and to be under CCTV surveillance wherever you go. Isn’t it kids??


WONDERS never cease! No sooner had we exposed Graham Forshaw’s role on the dodgy unelected South East England Regional Assembly, which approved the Hastings bypass, than he announced he would not be seeking re-election to West Sussex County Council at the next election. Cheerio, Graham!
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THE May meeting organised by will be on Tuesday May 8, not May 1 (the usual first Tuesday of the month), as that happens to be the date of the Mayday anti-capitalist protests in London, which local activists aim to attend. The meeting will again be at 42 Marine Parade, Worthing seafront (above Paiges), 7.45pm and will focus on what did or didn’t really happen at the Mayday Monopoly event. The following meeting, on Tuesday June 5, will feature a talk from Juliet Gellatley, founder and director of charity Viva! and one of Britain’s top animal rights campaigners. She will be talking on the truth behind the meat industry - a rather topical subject! So save a space in your diary now!
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HOW charming to receive a free year planner from Worthing Borough Council with our council tax bills, featuring a cheerful reminder on the last date of each remaining month of 2001 - "Council Tax payment due." And how sweet to feature a photo of some lovely little lambs in the March 2002 space. Shame they’ll have long been slaughtered by then.
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WHO is responsible for painting all the lampposts black along Worthing promenade? Is it an anarchist conspiracy or just another waste of council tax money?
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A FASCINATING sighting was made recently of an army of garden gnomes lined up along the side of Adur Avenue, Durrington. Our correspondent says they looked for all the world as if they were protesting about something - the plight of the gnomeless, perhaps?
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ARE the major roadworks at the Adur Flyover on the A27 part of the fabulous new integrated transport policy? Diversions for lorries during the work will take them along the A259 coast road - a designated cycle route. Presumably the big idea is to integrate human flesh with tarmac as speedily as possible.

Only use recycled opinions

THE public is reminded that voting is the only legitimate way in which they may express an opinion on anything. The Ministry for Civil Obedience also points out that reading newspapers and watching TV is the only legitimate way in which the public may receive an opinion on anything. Anyone stepping outside the authorised opinion-recycling process is liable to be legally designated a criminal under the Protection of Democracy Act 2001 and will no longer be entitled to possess any opinion on any subject.

Help the pigs- subscribe!

THE PORK-BOLTER is an independent newsletter for Worthing, its name rooted in the fertile soil of local history and its fragrant message blossoming in defiance of the dark commercial sterility of our modern age. If you want to ensure a copy of issue 37, simply send us a stamped self-addressed envelope. Go on, you can do it! To get the next six issues send a donation of at least £2 to cover costs. Copies of back issues are still available. You can get issues 1 to 30 under one cover in The Whole Hog, our special compilation, for a £2 donation. Cheques and postal orders should be made payable to The Pork-Bolter. Drop us a line at PO Box 4144, Worthing, West Sussex BN14 7NZ. You can also pay a visit to our website at or send e-mail e-mail subscriptions are also available.

Printed and published by The Pork-Bolter, PO Box 4144, Worthing BN14 7NZ. No copyright. No meat products, thank you.

and finally ...
Stand up for yourselves - nobody else will do it!

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