the pork-bolter
PORKBOLTER SPECIAL

Worthing: The Centre of the Known World

by Buenaventura Hogsflesh


An Explanation

I can almost see the puzzled look on your face, Dear Reader, as you scroll anxiously through the items that follow. “But what is this supposed to be?” you are asking yourself and I therefore feel under a moral obligation to come up with some sort of an explanation.

This is a book about Worthing, the place I live, and it is built as far as possible out of the raw material of Worthing. Some of that raw material is the history of the town, as relayed to me mainly by the books of local historian Chris Hare (see bibliography). Other material comes more directly from the here and now, being recorded from signs in the streets, notices in shop windows and so on – and then organised into what I consider is a coherent order. I have also amused myself by snatching odd phrases from the Worthing Herald and other publications and rearranging them in a somewhat surreal manner.

I make no apologies for often expressing my own personal opinions, nor even for allowing myself the indulgence of having the last word in one of my own street surveys!

BH


Beating the Bounds

It’s just beyond the

Miller’s Tomb on

Highdown Hill

That Worthing ends

Out to the West.

Beyond lie Angmering

Littlehampton, Chichester

Portsmouth, Southampton

New Forest, Dartmoor

Atlantic Ocean, Labrador

Ontario, Lake Winnipeg

Rocky Mountains, Vancouver Island

And the Pacific.

The downland side of

Cissbury Ring

Is the very top of Worthing

Up to the North.

Beyond lie Findon

Washington, Horsham

Dorking, London

Bedford, Lincoln

Scarborough, North Sea

Shetland, Greenland Sea

McKinley Sea and North Pole.

The boating lake at

Brooklands Park

Is as far as Worthing goes

Out to the East.

Beyond lie Lancing

Shoreham, Brighton

Eastbourne, Hastings

Boulogne, Brussels

Bonn, Kiev,

Astana, Irkutsk

Sakhalin, Kamchatka

And the Pacific

Again

Where mapping draws a line in time.

Right at the end of Worthing pier

We reach the point where town expires

Down to the South.

Beyond lie English Channnel

Caen, Cognac,

Valencia, Alicante

Oran, Sahara,

Lake Volta, Accra

Atlantic Ocean, Antarctica.

North-South, East-West

Global axises intersect

And X marks the spot

Where lies Worthing

Centre of the

Known world.


Wurddinges

Ordinges

Mordinges

Wurddinges

Saltgrass

Marwood

West Field

Home Field

East Field

North Town

Seldenville

Tarring

Heene

Broadwater

Salvington

Goring

Durrington

Teville Gate

Lyons Farm

Tesco


Two-pier town

One pier was

Not enough for

Ambitious 1880s Worthing

There were plans for another one

Out West

At the foot of Grand Parade

But nothing came of them

As you may have noticed


Tarring Road

Professional fridge deodoriser

Today’s special – Welsh Rarebit

Beach hut for sale – unrestricted sea views

Hire any castle for just £45

We buy all TRAINS

Plantation shutters

Cushion Foam. Bubblewrap.

Traditional Beeswax Furniture Polish

FreeTress Draw String Ponytail

WE BUY OLD TELEPHONES

Commercial Waste. An Honest Mouthful.

Sexy Salsa

Thermo Therapy Heatpad

The Original Little Nipper Mousetrap. The last thing it does is nip!

Anything Saleable Purchased

These premises have been re-entered by the landlord.


Kissbury Ring

Hey-diddle-derry, let’s dance on the Bury

At Easter we kiss in the Ring

To the bushes we go and I reckon you know

What present next Christmas will bring


Heinkel III

August 5, 1942

Torn apart by fire-spat rage

This Heinkel III is going down

Like the bombs it brings.

The wounded beast is bleeding fuel

And as it throbs in from the sea

Through its picture-window bullet nose

The blocked-off beach and Worthing roofs flash by.

It holds up over Madeira Avenue

Then clips the wall of what is now St John HQ

But then belonged to the Home Guard.

An arsenal of land mines ready to blast the town to hell

Is mercifully missed as it gouges over Lyndhurst Road

A blazing river left behind and then the blast

As it smashes into someone’s home.

And after the noise, the corpses.

Canadian soldiers consumed by liquid fire.

Two Germans in the road and one hanging in a tree.

The other two incinerated.

Eva Collins and Carol Wilson leap to safety.

A Heinkel wheel rolls half a mile down Lyndhurst Road

Then stops.


Worthing Herald Mix 22.3.2012

A father has said he is “over the moon” at the decision to make him a crumbling wall.

A section of Broadwater Road and Bridge Road were cordoned off until a double from striker Ryan McBride helped Rebels to victory.

The moon was full on the night and the society needed to collect more chairs. Worthing’s mayor Ann Barlow and the Herald and Gazette’s group editor Colin Channon will become live mannequins tomorrow. Admission is 30p.


Brighton Road Triptych

Indian Fish Restaurant

Blow Lug, Rag Worm, Peeler Crab

Spratt & Son


Behind the Shops

An alley to the railway in New Broadway, down Tarring Road

Bins stand guard and upturned pallet blocks the way

Beyond is a graveyard of debris and decay.

Heaps of litter.

Once-classy purple package for L’Oréal Majirel languishes among cigarette butts, broken tiles, black plastic bag and a dubious brown substance.

Train rattles past towards Portsmouth, obscuring view of tattered skull and crossbones at garden’s end across the tracks and of neighbouring flag of Liverpool FC, now faded pink.

Two empty bottles of Cannabia, ‘First hemp drink of man-kind’ – one leans softly on the other’s shoulder on a bed of tinfoil, tissue, cardboard, leaf, cobweb, and a tiny plastic bottle with a torn pink label.

Another train rushes past, bound for Brighton.

Traffic throbs on the street as the level crossing queue builds up.

Black bin holds an inch of water, solid-still and glossy with an oily scum.

Under the surface an empty golden plastic tray – for chocolates, perhaps – with an exhausted pill package and a drowned copy of Hairdresser’s Journal.

A decomposing door, paint all peeled and wood turned grey. Breeze-blocked inside and all six panes of glass are smashed.

A strange corroded sheet of something curls out from the bottom, pale blue on one side and on the other black, but tinged with an organic pale green dusting. Beside the door, a window – bricked up within as well.

Glass painted black, defaced with light blue spray can, then punctured.

Foam erupts from one wound, its dirty orange hue blended into the black by spreading algae.

Extractor fan goes on above and water trickles from a pipe into a rubbish-clogged drain.

Is someone living here?

Doors of a storage shed along the railway slam shut in the breeze.

A siren sounds. The level crossing gates are coming down again.


Pleasure

Brooklands Pleasure Park

No Cycling

No Fishing

No Entry

No Smoking

Warning! Look right

Warning! Look left

Warning! Keep off sloping banks

Golfers failing to conduct themselves in an acceptable manner will be asked to leave the course

Under no circumstances are picnics allowed at our café (you will be asked to leave)

Please do not bump boats

Please do not feed the horses

Please do not feed the birds

This site is under 24 hour surveillance

Positively no cycling


Battle of South Street

October 9 1934

Black clouds gather out at sea

And blackshirts at the pier

The lightning flash of hatred

As they strut out to the street

Bounces back as thunder

From a thousand fearless foes

Fireworks crack, the Leader’s struck

Fights break out all round

The cheers, the jeers as bullies flee

And shelter from the storm

Of the people’s righteous rage

The fascist café in The Arcade

Attacked, its windows smashed

They run outside and midnight sees

A seething struggling mass

Of people in the road

Do you get it now, Mosley?

Worthing will never be “ready for Fascism”

No pasaran!

Remember the Battle of South Street!


Worthing's West End

As the 19th century progressed the West End established a more positive and productive reputation for itself

Itchy? Smelly? Naughty?

Welcome to Sexual Health Clinic

Self Esteem Course

TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE TODAY

BIBLES NOT FOR SALE

Heroes welcome in Sunny Worthing

Includes Imperial Blaster

Anglo Italian Fusion

THE NET IS CLOSING IN

You’ve got a great time ahead

Have you considered adopting a Golden Oldie?

World’s Greatest Grandma

Many more remnants inside

Demonstration & sale of Assistive Listening Devices

Viewing highly recommended

Not a ‘FUN’ pub but a TRADITIONAL PUB that’s FUN!

The sacred tree belongs to the magnolia family and grows to about 30 metres in height

Fully poseable!

Need help to neuter your cat?

USB 3D car shape Optical Mouse

12” Figure with Tricycle

MESSAGE TO ALL BURGLARS!!! IF you can READ then please read this!

Please use next door along

Failure to comply may result in intruders

Joyeuses Pâques

Wiem, ze dobrze jem!

Bakken knoflook

Base plana fixa para televisor LCD

WANT A CAKE???????

Under 5 eat FREEEEEEEE

Platters for all occassions

For a unique and authentic flavour that is decond to none

Hello! Do you need help with your ENGLISH?

Indulge in the luxurious and natural taste of Swiss perfection

ATHLETES FOOT HERPES TENNIS ELBOW STROKE SPORTS INJURIES EPILEPSY

Sweet & Sour Chicken Balls

Philippines No 1 Ice Cream

Dear Customer, Following a downturn in trade, Care Centres Limited will be closing the shops at 73 & 75 Rowlands Road with immediate effect

This store is now closed

Thank you for visiting Worthing’s West End

“This is the end”. “No, my friend, it’s just the beginning.”


Worthing Herald Mix, 29.3.12

A Worthing off-licence faces a three-month ban on selling liquor, after people had been panic buying.

There have been reports of passing women being called murderers and being told they are likely to become drug addicts.

Watch a video of the action on the club’s website.


Tenants Hill

It’s our hill

No sign to even say it’s there

It’s our hill

Finest view in Worthing

from Isle of Wight to Beachy Head

It’s our hill

Dog-leg descent to Broadwater

It’s our hill

Way blocked by barbed wire

It’s our hill

Not the tenant’s


Essentially Worthing Mix, 4.12

All my experience and passion has been for local news.

Come and see the Easter bunnies!

You now have a fat sausage.


Jacob’s Ladder

Jacob’s Ladder

Is supposed to lead to

Heaven

Not the twitten

Behind the

Chip shop


Swans

A surprise on the sea

Six swans glide by

Amidst the gulls

White necks curve down

Into the salt water

To probe the sand

And seaweed

Later that day

As darkness falls and strange vapours

Race across the lake at Brooklands

I see a swan

Curled up majestically

And asleep on a huge round bed of reeds


Porkbolter Mix, 3.12

Many of us will have mixed feelings about a dodgy-looking individual that the Nazis were so keen to exterminate.

Virginia Bottomley also happens to be a director of the private hospital, health insurance and care group, BUPA.

We have often wondered why exactly spring is in the air.

Residents of New Parade in Worthing will have to forgive us for laughing out loud towards the inevitable hour of environmental oblivion.


Concrete Plans

What were they thinking

When they demolished

The Old Town Hall

Ann Street Theatre

The Royal George

Highworth House

Paragon Street

The Running Horse

Marine Hotel and

Esplanade House

And replaced them with

Contracted concrete?

I never saw them

I wasn’t here then

But still it hurts


How Would You Sum Up Worthing in One Word?

(Street Survey, July 2013)

beautiful

lovely

beautiful

lovely

seaside

seaside

wonderful

wonderful

boring

predictable

different

busy

quiet

versatile

limited

zoo

dump

mediocre

suspicious

conservative

changing

improving

cosmopolitan

friendly

warmer

appreciable

historical

quaint

relaxed

clean

ok

fine

alright

family-orientated

home

good

sunny

pleasant

pleasant

fun

fun

cool

great

glorious

dead


Heene

Life was so fine

In the village of Heene

Sixty cottages

Common land grazing

Orchards to share

The landlords would change that

Star Chamber backed them

Common enclosed

People evicted

Homes all demolished

Orchards uprooted

Progress inflicted


Soup Kitchen

Who’d have ever thought we’d need a soup kitchen in Worthing

Comfortable, easy-going Worthing

But it’s there in the history books

The cold winter of 1938 to 1939

Effie Methold ran it from the Boys’ Club in Ivy Arch Road

Someone from Brighton helped get it going

It wasn’t so much soup as stew

With bread and a piece of fruit

More than a thousand meals were served up

But it should have been more

There were plenty that needed it

People didn’t like the name

Smacked too much of charity

It hurt their pride

And today you wonder

How much desperation is being hidden

Behind credit card debts and pay-day loans

We will soon be needing another Worthing Soup Kitchen

But this time we’ll call it a Thirties-Themed Diner


Historical Cycle

The past is orange

In Worthing anyway

Free orange bikes

For all to ride

A sixties dream

The bikes were nicked

The scheme collapsed

Oh well


November 5, 1958

Celebrating Bonfire Night

With youthful zest and zeal

Then cops step in to stop the fun

And the fireworks really start

Windows smashed

Shop set on fire

Crowds run amok

Police station stoned

Teenage hordes

Youth of today

Now all retired

And dressed in beige


Gil's Corner

He sits there still

In some strange way

Grey hair and beard

And roll-up fag

He talks there still

Inside my head

Of history and war

And revolution

He greets there still

People that he knows

And who know him

But he doesn’t recognise

He tells there still

Of battles he has fought

With bureaucrats

Of all those he has helped

He lives there still

In spirit without time

On the bench

At Gil’s Corner


Maybridge Estate

The war is won and now a hope

For better times ahead

New homes go up

A modern plan

With space to live and breathe

Green squares filled in

New families now

But still a source of pride

Architectural gem

Or rough diamond

In the crown of Worthing


For the Pleasure of Birds

Beach House Park, Brighton Road

“On top of this mound is a memorial to warrior birds who gave their lives on active service 1939-45. It is also for the pleasure and use of birds.”

“Please do not feed the pigeons!!! Worthing Borough Council working with the Pigeon Control Advisory Service (PICAS)”


Scared Warrior

“Mary made many a flight across the dangerous skies of Europe during the 1939-45 war period. She returned from one mission with a damaged wing and 3 shotgun pellets in her chest. Another mission saw her return with horrific injuries to her chest and neck. During her service flying for her country Mary survived bomb blasts and many other injuries. She flew from 1940 to the end of the conflict and ended with 22 stitches scaring her tiny body.”

No wonder Mary was scared

Who wouldn’t be – thrown into the murderous machineries of mass slaughter?

Did they really “give” their lives in a brave gesture of self-sacrifice?

Or were they stolen from them, against their desire to soar and breathe and be?

When we look back at those killed and maimed in the waste of war

Do we do them justice by heralding them as heroes

Or would we better face the truth and name them victims?

When the choice is not yours, your courage is of submission

And those who praise your angel-winged innocence

Are just hiding their own infernal guilt

The scared, the scarred and the slain:

We remember you not with pride but with anger


The Norfolk

The Norfolk Arms at Teville Gate

First served a pint in 1850

Ten years later it was The Norfolk Inn

And thirty years after that The Norfolk Hotel

So it stayed for a hundred years

A landmark on the road into town

A striking building, elegant

And surely there to stay

The writing was probably on the wall when it was renamed

Flappers

Then Space Bar

Then Area 51

Then MIB

Then 3TO

And finally abandoned

Broken glass and shuttered up

Prepared to die, until in 2004

Last-minute lease of life

As squatters clear it up

Adapt the name and it becomes a

23topia

Of all-night party politics

But when the anarchists moved out

The bulldozers moved in


Nucker Hole

Out to the East

Past Ham Road Bridge

Lies the Nucker Hole

A mystery deep

Of Saxon myth

A creature vast

And frightening

Which one fine day

Will venture forth

And swallow

Sub-station

Rail track

And tip


Dreams of Glory

Not Homefield Park but Stamford Bridge

Not Manor Ground but White Hart Lane

Victoria Park is Wembley

And Anfield is in Durrington

The boys all dream of hat-tricks

Or saving penalties

The dads all hope for big club trials

For parental pride fulfilled

For son’s glory

For England caps

For something other than this grey sense of futility and failure


Jah

When Haile Selassie

Came to Worthing

On July 20 1936

He had with him a priceless tome

A tiny sacred book

Penned in Amharic

And covered in gold

But when Ras Tafari

Left Worthing

On August 4 1936

He no longer had it

Where did it go?

Is it still here

Sleeping under a

History of dust

And waiting for

The ancient word

Of Jah to be brought

Back to life

In our town?


Musical Inspiration I

CDs for sale in Scope charity shop, Chapel Road, Worthing, February 27, 2013

Engelbert Humperdinck – Love Songs and Ballads

Roger Whittaker – The Last Farewell

Lonnie Donegan – The Hit Collection

50 Lovely Irish Songs from the Shamrock Man

In Which We Serve – The Best of Military Bands

Pub Piano Sing-A-Long

Andy Williams – Greatest Hits Live

Neil Sedaka – Hit Maker

The Best of John Denver

The Andrew Lloyd Webber Collection

The Pan Pipes Play Greatest Hits of Daniel O’Donnell


Captain Swing

You can smell the fear in Ambrose Place

The bourgeoisie are under threat

From “burning, destroying and mobs”

This letter-writter’s seen the rage

Of Captain Swing’s rebellious ranks

Demanding lower rates of tithe

And angry at the farm machines

That rip them from the land

Hundreds march on Broadwater

On Monday November 15, 1830

Lay siege to Broadwater Rectory

Where the slavemasters consort

Fat, arrogant, and red-faced drunk

Two farmers sally forth

And try their luck against the crowd

They are received, says one report

“By a knock down argument”

A victory won, the wages rise

The threshing machines removed

And then they bring in

The Workhouse


Harold Pinter

Harold Pinter

Lived in a house in

Ambrose Place

In the early 1960s

There’s a blue plaque on the wall

That they put there after he died

He wasn’t The Caretaker

He was a playwright

And a man of much wisdom

Harold said Tony Blair was a “deluded idiot”

And the invasion of Iraq was

“An act of blatant state terrorism”

For that alone he deserved his Nobel Prize


William Cowerson

Folk hero is gunned down

Beside the Teville stream

Trying to scale the iron gate

Locked by the Comissioners

William Cowerson, smuggler supreme

Was ambushed in the town

His men dispersed in twitten flight

Regrouped but all in vain

Soldiers reach them

Poor Cowerson shot dead

“Justifiable homicide” says the inquest

Yeah, it always is, isn’t it?


Side by Side at The Lido

Ice cream, Worthing Rock

Chocolate, Crisps

Sweets/fudge

&

Out Size Specialists

Size 12 to 26


Tribal Rising

A Tribe of Red Indians

Are loose in Worthing town

On Bonfire Night in 1855

“Ferocious gentlemen”

With tomahawks and torches

Rolling tar barrels

Sounding their war cries

Are they there in disguise

Four years later when

The people take revenge

On the man who sacked his footman

Leading to John Puddle’s suicide?

John Marsham’s home at Bedford House is

Under siege

He’s forced to flee

Not wanted here

And are those Braves among the

Folk who see the police and

Special constables line up

To stop the fun in ’77

And crush the ancient

Dance of Life

When Bonfire Boys

Fight hand to hand

With rows of police

To keep the right

To take the streets

Just once a year

When Henry Firmin’s

Grabbed from the crowd

Beaten and dragged up

Towards the cells

Sparking such a fury

That the police line breaks

The Boys surge through

The coppers flee

And hide inside

As riot reigns

And boats are burned

Down by the pier

A tribal rising

In Rebel Worthing


Worthing Herald Mix, 12.4.12

The local election will see seven serving councillors seek re-election across the town’s 13 wards.

The first stage of the competition is in the public’s hands, with a voting process that will cut down the entrants to just three.

A search of neighbouring gardens revealed the suspects hiding in a thick hedge.


The Skeleton Army

The Skeleton Army

Stood up and fought

For a Worthing that grew from beneath

Against the control

Of outsiders who looked

On our lives with teetotal contempt

The Skeleton Army

Took the fight to the streets

Against fundamentalist mores

Against troops and police

Who truncheoned dissent

To the rule of the moneyed elite

The Skeleton Army

With its banners and pride

Was the raw living heart of this town

It will rise up anew

For it isn’t dead yet

Just lying asleep in in our soul


Lalla Rookh

The Gallant Eleven

Set out to save the Lalla Rookh

Husbands, fathers, fishermen

They took on the storm

And lost

The groans and wailing

Of their widows

All waiting on the shore

Echoed on for

Generations


Guildbourne Centre

In the nineteenth century

On the site of the Guildbourne Centre

Stood the town dungeon, known as

The Black Hole

In 2011 the Guildbourne Centre

Hosted a special screening of

George A Romero’s Dawn of the Dead

A film about zombies

In a shopping mall


The Beadle

Watch out for The Beadle

He’s coming after you

If you’re loitering in the streets

If you’re dancing at the pub

If you’re poor and drinking beer

If you’re playing games on Sunday

If you’re singing in the town

If you’re selling lace or threads

If your waggon’s on the path

If you’re a gypsy or a fiddler

If your bathing’s unregulated

And if Samuel Toler catches you

He’ll throw you into the

The Black Hole of Worthing


Richard Jefferies

I’ve lain in Broadwater since 1887

I was sensitive to all things,

To the earth under

And the star-hollow round about

To the least blade of grass

To the largest oak

Sometimes a very ecstasy

Of exquisite enjoyment

Of the entire visible universe

Filled me

The sound of summer is everywhere

The clear, cool and sweet water

Faint resonance from the very earth

No thought I have ever had has

Satisfied my soul

We must begin again like the Caveman

I died in Goring at the age of 38

Give me more life


Food for Thought

Figs

Grapes

Tomatoes

Cucumbers

Beans

Peaches

Nectarines

Mushrooms

Now housing estates

Industrial sprawl

And supermarkets

Importing food


Tunnel vision

Is there really a network

Of wartime tunnels

Under Worthing?

Do they really begin

At Field Place in Durrington

And spread out for miles?

Were they really part of a secret

Anglo-French scheme to

Link up the London tube with the

Paris Metro?

Or was it all just a stupid joke

In that Porkbolter thing?


Disaster

The worse disaster since

The Black Death,

The First World War

Wiped out a generation

600 young men perished

In the mud of Flanders

And with them, it is said

Died old Worthing

Traditions were forgotten

Newcomers swarmed in

Festivals, fairs and games

Became radio, cinema and then

Television

The worst disaster since

The Black Death


Brooklands Pairings

Welcome to Diddlyland

Minimum height 4’2”

Stag & Hen Parties

Pudding & custard £2.50


The Esplanade

How peculiar

That Oscar Wilde

Should have chosen to

Write a play

Upstairs from the

Car wash and

MOT centre


Miner Incident

A body found

Under the Ring

She mined for flint

Deep in the chalk

But then was crushed

And killed

By falling rock

Five thousand years ago


Entertainment in Worthing

The Russian Ice Stars

Russian Cossacks

Grand Opera of Belarus

Viennese Strauss Gala

Strawbs

Kenny Ball and His Jazzmen

Gilbert and Sullivan Abridged

Michaela Strachan’s Really Wild Adventures

Boeing Boeing

Cricket Match

Sid from CBeebies

Len Rawle at the Wurlitzer Organ

Wrestling Spectacular

Hey Diddle Diddle

Circus of Horrors

Michael Portillo


Egypt

Dog chases two hares

On delicate goblet

Of greenish glass

Made in Egypt in

Ancient Alexandria

And carried here

Across the sea

A prized possession

Buried with

Its owner in a

Pagan Saxon grave

On Highdown


Tarring Market

Tarring wants a market

They’ve written to the King

To tell him what the Frenchies do

While they’re over in Steyning

They ransack all their houses

And steal away their stuff

This is 1444 and Tarring’s had enough!

Henry says it’s fine by him

So there’s little more to say

The letter wins their right to hold

A weekly market day

Hooray!


John Selden

“Pleasure is nothing else but the intermission of pain”

Now there’s a cheerful thought

From one of Worthing’s most famed sons

John Selden

Born in Salvington

Baptised in Tarring

A seventeenth-century polymath

Hailed by Milton as “the chief of learned men reputed in this land”

He wrote of English history, Judaic law and Egyptian priests

“A king is a thing men have made for their own sakes, for quietness sake. Just as in a family one man is appointed to buy the meat”, he said

And he supported Parliament against the Crown

“No man is the wiser for his learning; it may administer matter to work in, or objects to work upon; but wit and wisdom are born with a man”

Born with a man but not necessarily born from him, for

“Wise people say nothing in dangerous times” advised Selden

Shhh…


Worthing Herald Mix, 3.5.12.

Is there a person or group out there who you think deserves some recognition for the selfless work they do?

And if you don’t vote, do you have any right to complain?

The figures list all council officials earning more than £100,000 per year.

Judge Ackner said: “You leached off a system intended to supplement those with genuine needs so you could live an enhanced lifestyle.”


Bathing Revolution

When the revolutionary crowds

Were storming the Bastille

In Paris in 1789

Worthing was getting its

First Bathing Machines

Sixpence a go, including a towel


Missing Link

200 years ago

There was a weekly

Packet boat service

Between Worthing

And Dieppe

Bring it back!


Happy Days

God’s waiting room?

The place people come to die

And forget what they came for?

Nope

“An oasis in the desert of sin

The most innocent spot

On the whole south coast of England

Worthing is almost wholly given up

To children and domestic joys

Worthing is profoundly happy”

It must be true

It was in the Daily Telegraph

In 1873


Peter Bonetti

Peter Bonetti

The goalkeeper they called The Cat

Grew up in Worthing

Where his parents ran a café

On the seafront

He played for Worthing FC

But made his name at Chelsea

Where he played on through injury

To help them to victory in the

1970 FA Cup Final Replay

Against then-mighty Leeds

And the next year came back

Into the side to win

The European Cup Winners’ Cup

Against still-mighty Real Madrid

Peter Bonetti was Official Scapegoat

For England losing to Brazil in the

1970 World Cup Quarter-Final

But being a Cat

He had loads of lives left

And carried on being a Chelsea legend

For two spells

And a total of 729 appearances

Until his final game in 1979


Musical Inspiration II

CDs for sale in Marie Curie Cancer Care charity shop, Montague Street, Worthing, February 28, 2013

The Only Live Dancing Album You Will Ever Need

Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home

Michael Flatley’s Lord of the Dance

Music from the Motion Picture Bridget Jones’s Diary

The RPO Plays the Music of Elton John

McFly – Room on the 3rd Floor

Wet Wet Wet – Love Is All Around

The Best Tracks from the Best Albums of 1999

The Gramophone Editor’s Choice November 2004

The Gramophone Editor’s Choice October 2005

Still Smiling – A Tribute to the Genius of Brian Wilson

The Children’s Audio Company Promotional Sampler CD


Typhoid

Sewage in the water

Diarrhoea everywhere

A typhoid epidemic has hit the town

The visitors flee

Worthing is a ghost town

There’s panic in the air

Mother fighting off the fever

Can’t wait to get out of hospital

And see her children again

Young woman visited every day

By a husband who suddenly

Stops coming

Who’s going to tell them

That their loved one are all dead?

Local papers try to keep it quiet

Claims of a cover-up

Avoiding a PR disaster

For a resort with aspirations

Mayor flees town

Councillors board up their homes

In fear of public anger

Calls for them all to resign

Bonfire Boys take to the streets

Led by rider on white horse

Effigies of The Clique

Paraded and burned

Outside the Town Hall

Summer 1893 sees

188 die

Poor old Worthing

“The City of Health in the Land of Gardens”

Is no longer the most appropriate advertising slogan


The Forty Thieves

Remember the Forty Thieves

Unscrupulous men

Who profited from the misery

Of typhoid

To grab land

And get rich

At everyone else’s expense

Remember the Forty Thieves

Their descendents may be among us

And still up to their old tricks


Freemasons

Worthing Lodge of Friendship

Stanford

St Mary of the Harbour

Thomas a’ Becket

Viatores

Cissbury

Heene Lodge of Peace and Concord

Lancing

Brook Barn

Ordinges

Fiscian

Worthing Temple

Shoreham Beach

Sompting

Findon

Worthing Installed Masters

Atlingworth

There seem to be rather a lot

Of Masonic groups

Meeting in Worthing


Three Wise Men of Brooklands

Fred’s Flying Circus

Old MacDonald’s Tractor Rides

One Eyed Jack’s Pirate Boats


Sunny Worthing

Photograph shows a

Sandwich board man

Standing in the gutter

In 60s London murk

In danger of being

Run over by the

Number 8 to Shoreditch

White coat with shirt and tie

Receding hairline and moustache

Both boards proclaim

The message he has proudly brought

To the people of the capital:

There is no fog in

Sunny Worthing

Today


East Worthing Shops

Frozen fish pieces for cats

Warning wet floors

If you want dry feet then these are the boots for you

Traditional Eastern Massage Therapy

The only curry and Tandoori place in the UK with your health in mind

Thermally efficient


Force of the Law

Mr Semadeni

Was a pastry cook

In South Street

When the Riot Act

Was read in 1884

He was so badly truncheoned

In the head

By Worthing police

That he later died

At the age of 25

And Frederick Thompson

Of the Skeleton Army

Was “beaten in a savage manner”

That same summer

By constables

Upholding the Law

He was 13 years old


Paddy Nicholls

Paddy Nicholls

Spent 23 years in jail

For a “murder”

In Clifton Road

That never happened

Because the police lied

Through their teeth

When he got out

At the age of 69

He was a broken man

The compensation

Couldn’t mend him

He died seven years later

And those who stole his life

Got away with it

Of course


World of Worthing

Worthing Birdman, Worthing Lions, Worthing Raiders, Worthing Pier

Worthing Herald, Worthing Station, Worthing Foyer, Worthing Glass

Worthing Motors, Worthing Leisure, Worthing Film Club, Worthing Dome

Worthing College, Worthing High School, Worthing Churches, Worthing Guns


Pig Mystery

Nobody seems to know

Why Worthing folk were known as

“Porkbolters”

But when a bunch of upper-class types

Came over from Brigton in 1800

They found there were only two inns in Worthing

One was the New Inn

Kept by Mr Hogsflesh*

And the other was the Sea House

Kept by Mr Bacon

* Great-great-great-great-great grandfather of the author!


Essentially Worthing Mix, 2.13

So, winter properly arrived then! It depends on the season. That was quick – where did January go? They have come far so that you can go further. Thank you for being part of our Cat’s Whiskers family.


Unauthorised Fun

Can you believe

The Worthing rabble

Used to make merry on the Steyne

Play music on the grass

Drink ale, have fun?

Can you believe

The Worthing rabble

Used to have a sports day

Down on the sands

With ponies, horses

Jingling matches

And sack races?

What would all the

Respectable visitors think

Down from London to

Take the ozone?

Time to clamp down on

Unauthorised enjoyment

Of life


Musical Inspiration III

CDs for sale in Worthing Churches Homeless Project charity shop, Montague Street, Worthing, February 28, 2013

Coronation Street – The Album

Aled Jones – From the Heart

Charlotte Church

Bonnie Tyler – The Voice

Boyzone – Brother

Dire Straits – Brothers in Arms

Love – The Ultimate Love Collection, Disc 3

This is the Worship Album

Geri Halliwell – Scream If You Wanna Go Faster

The Record of the Year 2000

Barry Manilow – Singin’ With the Big Bands


1879

It’s a disgrace

Writes Mr Ratepayer

Unmitigated roughs

Savages

Armed with bludgeons

Rolling tar barrels

Burning old boats

In a moving mass

Of fire

The Bonfire Boys

Of Worthing show

No respect for the

Property of

Respectable folk

Such as Mr Ratepayer

Whose town do they

Think it is

Anyway?


Worthing Herald Mix, 31.1.13.

The current UK terrorist threat level is substantial, so please report anything that looks suspicious or out of place by calling your local police.

Lawrence, 74, said: “They’re all over the place. I’ve found them in my garden, even though the wall they have to get over is about 5ft high. I’ve put up a fence to stop them, but they just knock it down.”

The day marked those forced to live under Nazi persecution.


The Invasion of Shoreham

In 1884 Worthing invaded Shoreham

In revenge for a Salvation Army

Attack on their way of life

500 people battled the police

Smashed the windows of the

Norfolk Bridge tollhouse

Stoned the puritans

Forced the pubs to open

So the beer could flow

Like the River Adur


Notices in Worthing Library

Wanting new friends?

South Downs Siegebreakers

Speed dating

All babies and toddlers welcome

A cup of tea is included in the visitors’ entry fee of £3

Going off the Rails

A club for people recovering from a stroke

If you want a giggle, come and have a jiggle!

Are You Having Trouble Controlling The Way You Eat?

Refreshments available!

Shuffleboard Tournament

Creative dance for the young at heart

5km Waggy Tail Trail with treats

Numbers limited to the capacity of the venue


Unlucky Thirteenth

The thirteenth pier in the country

Was opened in 1862 and

May have considered itself unlucky

When it was wrecked by a storm

On Easter Monday 1913

Then destroyed by fire in 1933

And partly blown up in 1940

To stop the Germans landing there

But the Streamline Moderne

Masterpiece still stands and was voted

Pier of the Year

In 2006

I’ll have you know


Billy Idol

Billy Idol

Who wasn’t called that then

Went to Worthing High School

When it was just for boys

Like Peter Bonetti

He played for Chelsea

But that was the punk group

Not the football team

After Generation X

He led his own band

He was big in America

And quite big here too

From White Wedding

And Rebel Yell to

Cyberpunk

And Happy Holidays

A music career approaching

40 years suggests

William Broad was

Hardly idle


Banned

In the 1950s Worthing council

Tried to ban

Rock and roll

Jiving

And drainpipe trousers for women

In the 1970s Worthing council

Tried to ban The Life of Brian

Biggus Dickus may well have been mayor at the time


Musical Inspiration IV

CDs for sale in Oxfam charity shop, Montague Street, Worthing, February 28, 2013

Hollyoaks: 40 Massive Hits for the Hollyoaks Generation

The Only Opera Album You’ll Ever Need

Didgeridoo Made Easy

Diana Princess of Wales 1961-1997

Travis – The Invisible Band

Dodgy – Homegrown

Terence Trent D’Arby – Symphony of Damn

Best of 2006

The Chillout Session Summer Collection 2003

Your Kingdom Come with Craig Smith

James Blunt – Back to Bedlam

Val Doonican – The Special Years


Spotted in Worthing

Lapwing

Shoe Zone

Red Shank

Superdrug

Fulmar

Next

Ringed Plover

Topshop

Cormorant

Poundland

Common Sandpiper

Greggs


Midsummer Tree

Skeletons come out

On Midsummer’s Night

And dance around the tree

At the top of Broadwater Green

We celebrate

All full of ale

By holding hands

And circling round

The oak is real

But time has merged

With other time

And we have merged

With something else

We are the skeletons

Of the future


What They Didn't Say About Worthing

All roads lead to Worthing

Trad.

Now as he journeyed he approached Worthing, and suddenly a light from heaven flashed about him

The Bible

I will not cease from mental fight

Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand

Til we have built Worthing

In England’s green and pleasant land

William Blake

If I can make it there

I’ll make it anywhere

It’s up to you

Worthing, Worthing

Frank Sinatra

You’ll never know

What heaven means

Until you’ve been down to Worthing

Elvis Presley

I love Worthing in the springtime

I love Worthing in the fall

I love Worthing in the summer when it sizzles

I love Worthing in the winter when it drizzles

Cole Porter

So how can you tell me you’re lonely

And say for you that the sun don’t shine?

Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of Worthing

I’ll show you something, to make you change your mind

Ralph McTell

O little town of Worthing,

How still we see thee lie!

Above thy deep and dreamless sleep

The silent stars go by

Trad.

Worthing

Such a beatiful horizon

Worthing

Like a jewel in the sun

Freddie Mercury

Worthing calling to the faraway towns

Now war is declared and battle come down

Worthing calling to the underworld

Come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls

The Clash

If I should die, think only this of me

That there’s some corner of a foreign field

That is for ever Worthing

Rupert Brooke

These boots are made for Worthing

Nancy Sinatra

So here it is, merry Worthing

Everybody’s having fun

Slade

There’s a thousand pretty women waitin’ out there

And they’re all livin’ devil may care

And I’m just the devil with love to spare

Viva Worthing, Viva Worthing!

Elvis Presley

Gimme gimme gimme Worthing after midnight

Take me through the darkness to the break of the day

Abba

Ah Worthing you’re a lady

Laid out before my eyes

Your heart of gold it pulses

Between your scarred-up thighs

The Pogues

Summer in Worthing, the weather man said

Waking up late, got to get out of bed

So much to do, got to go everywhere

A day on the town and not pay the fare

Riots in Worthing

Madness

Worthing endless

Life is timeless

Worthing endless

Kraftwerk

There is no future in Worthing’s dreaming

Sex Pistols

The image has gone only you and I

It means nothing to me

This means nothing to me

Oh, Worthing

Ultravox

Worthing’s burning with boredom now

Worthing’s burning dial 999

The Clash

Got dem Worthing Blues, I’m as blue as ah can be

Like a man done throwed that rock down into de sea

Got dem Worthing Blues I’m as blue as ah can be

Louis Armstrong

Struggle after struggle, year after year

The atmosphere’s a fine blend of ice

I’m almost stone cold dead

In a town called Worthing

The Jam

Your streets were paved with love

Your skies were blue

Goodbye Worthing

I walked your streets in fear

I washed your streets with tears

Worthing

The Stranglers

When a man is tired of Worthing, he is tired of life

Samuel Johnson


Do You Think Worthing is the Centre of the Known World?

(Street Survey, July 2013)

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

No

Yes


Bibliography

Dave Hann, Physical Resistance: A Hundred Years of Anti-Fascism (Winchester: Zero Books, 2013)

Chris Hare, Historic Worthing: The Untold Story (Moreton-in-Marsh: Windrush Press, 1991)

Chris Hare, Worthing, a History: Riot and Respectability in a Seaside Town (Chichester: Phillimore, 2008)

Chris Hare, Worthing Under Attack (Guild Care, Worthing, 2011)

Chris Hare, Through The Hard Times and The Good: An Oral and Social History of Worthing (Worthing: Guildcare, 2009)

Sally White, Worthing Past (Chichester: Phillimore, 2000)