FOURTEEN and a half years ago we launched a newsletter in Worthing that took a critical stance against the Blair government that had just come into power.
Under the Lib Dems, Worthing was also busy with much the same agenda, selling off our council housing - the first issue we really got our teeth into.
Campaigns against these two parties and their agendas gave us a reputation for being on the radical end of the political spectrum.
Knowing as we did that it was important to bide our time, we did nothing to dispel that illusion.
Ostentatious displays of hostility towards wealth-creating businesses, economy-boosting military adventures and the opening up of the NHS to the free market further cemented our apparent political stance.
Frightening though it is, many readers got in touch to say they agreed with the views we were putting across.
For national security reasons, we have obviously been passing on their details to the relevant authorities so they can be lined up for detention and re-education when necessary.
The truth, however, is that we never believed a word of any of it.
Over the years, we have been indeed been quietly praying for a new political dawn in in this country - not that of subversion and anarchy but of the discipline and authority of global austerity (for the masses) and global affluence (for us and our sponsors).
Right now, we believe we have a party in power that will ensure that our dreams come true.
Years of deceit must therefore come to an end as we spell out, paragraph by paragraph, our true position.
Society, as Saint Margaret of Grantham wisely said, simply does not exist.
Community is not the building block of human existence but a barrier to the total penetration of everyday life by the global businesses that pay our wages.
Unless we have the courage to do away with so-called ‘environmental concerns’, so-called ‘human rights’ and so-called ‘democracy’, we will deprive the world’s deserving entrepreneurial elite of the unrestricted wealth and power to which they are unarguably entitled.
May the New Capitalist Order last for a Thousand Years! (Or until the planet is destroyed, whichever comes sooner).
[Note to conspiracy theorists - there is absolutely NO coded message concealed in the above article, you deluded fools]
HAPPY and glorious - long to reign over us!
Yes, that’s the Worthing Conservatives after their recent heart-warming victory in the local elections.
The only downside was the way that True Blue Mary Harding lost her seat in Northbrook. Mary was a popular local councillor, no more so than when she promised in public to do everything in her power to halt the West Durrington development. It was hardly her fault that she was unable to attend the crucial planning committee meeting and was replaced by a fellow councillor who voted for the development - and yet it seems a scurrilous Facebook campaign succeeded in costing poor Mary her seat!
Another major downside (apart from the irritation of Worthing now having a Green councillor following the defection of former Lib Dem James Doyle) was the turnout. In some areas, such as Offington, 80% of the electorate did not vote at all. Anyone would think people were totally disillusioned with the political system and all the parties that form part of it!
Surely this is not the case, but just in case there is a whiff of Unpatriotic mutiny in the air, that nice Mr Cameron has organised a morale-boosting Feelgood Summer for us all, including England’s inevitable triumph in the Euros, the increasingly popular and value-for-money Olympics and, of course, Her Majesty the Queen’s Jubilee Celebrations And Associated Merchandising Opportunities.
On this score, the Borkpolter and our close friends in the Conservative Party, the Rotary Club, Worthing Town Centre Initiative, Sussex Police and the Freemasons, along with our corporate partners GlaxoSmithKline, have teamed up to lay on a Jubilee Jamboree on the Prom!
There’ll be no end of fun, with a Guess the MPs’ Expenses Competition, a Maggie Thatcher look-alike contest, Iain DS’s Kick-A-Cripple stall, hourly displays of Synchronised Scapegoating from the Broadwater Bigots Brigade, a Fly-Past from the Heroes of the Israeli Air Force (sponsored by Barclays Bank), a pasty raffle in aid of the Rupert Murdoch Fighting Fund and the crazy Stuff a Union Jack Up the Rear End of a Tory Fat Cat competition!!! There’ll also be a chance to make a young person in your life very happy! Thanks to the Workfare stall from Job Centre Plus, lucky youngsters will be whisked away to experience a seemingly impossible dream come true - they will get a job at a leading local supermarket. Even better, they won’t have the inconvenience of having to decide how to spend their wages, as there aren’t any! And after they’ve finished their fun placement, it’ll be someone else’s turn to ensure that the retail industry doesn’t waste any of its profits on paying its staff. See you all there folks! And whatever you do, don’t go to Brighton! (see Bork Itchings)
Justice dictates those with the most wealth should have the most say over the way our children are brought up. And Academy status for this secondary school would be an important step towards a society run by and for the business men and women who have made the 21st century the success it is - with dinosaur notions of fair pay for staff or community involvement thrown once and for all into the dustbin of history where they belong.
We even hear Davison and St Andrew’s secondary schools may team up to form another Academy in town - great stuff!
Unfortunately, there is a fly in the ointment in the shape of the usual anti-business terrorists. Staff at Worthing High inexplicably voted against academy status in a ballot conducted by their union - with 94% against or undecided, and just 6% in favour. And campaigners held a public meeting in May and set up a webpage at http://www.facebook.com/WHSAgainstAcademy
Troublemakers have long resisted the inevitable triumph of sound Business Principles over useless woolly ideas such as balanced education, love of learning, ethics, truth etc etc, yawn yawn.
Back in Yule 2007 we cleverly satirised this absurd attitude, writing of the Worthing High bid for ‘Trust’ status: “The move would give influence over the secondary school in South Farm Road to an unaccountable mafia of businessmen with their own barely concealed agenda. Rather than receiving a broad education for life, in keeping with the time-honoured ethos of learning, youngsters would be increasingly trained up as compliant labour units for corporations and brainwashed with neo-Thatcherite ‘enterprise’ ideology.”
Nonsense, of course, and the true nature of Worthing High’s commitment to the edu-entrepreneurial experiment is epitomised by chairman of governors Tony Cohen. He is such a Great Man that the school’s website reveals he was given a Special Award by Rhys Price, Director of Enterprise at the school (who needs teachers when you have one of them on the payroll?) for providing lucky students with a seven-week Financial Literacy course and being one of the key architects in the setting up of the national BAF (Business, Administration and Finance) Diploma.
Mr Cohen is director of Nsure in Worthing and if there was any justice in the world his firm would benefit from lucrative contracts from the future Academy. But then we would never know about it, as tiresome so-called accountability is happily not a feature of the Academy arrangement.
* Also, well done to Worthing High for continuing to host the activities of the town’s Jubilee Church, who have made such a Christian contribution to happiness and tolerance in the area by telling women seeking abortions at a Brighton clinic that they are murderers (including at least one who was pregnant through rape).
Published and printed by The Porkbolter, PO Box 4144, Worthing BN14 7NZ. No mistakin’ that this issue is entirely umop aplsdn