the pork-bolter

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Finally we spell out our REAL position!

FOURTEEN and a half years ago we launched a newsletter in Worthing that took a critical stance against the Blair government that had just come into power.

Under the Lib Dems, Worthing was also busy with much the same agenda, selling off our council housing - the first issue we really got our teeth into.

Campaigns against these two parties and their agendas gave us a reputation for being on the radical end of the political spectrum.

Knowing as we did that it was important to bide our time, we did nothing to dispel that illusion.

Ostentatious displays of hostility towards wealth-creating businesses, economy-boosting military adventures and the opening up of the NHS to the free market further cemented our apparent political stance.

Frightening though it is, many readers got in touch to say they agreed with the views we were putting across.

For national security reasons, we have obviously been passing on their details to the relevant authorities so they can be lined up for detention and re-education when necessary.

The truth, however, is that we never believed a word of any of it.

Over the years, we have been indeed been quietly praying for a new political dawn in in this country - not that of subversion and anarchy but of the discipline and authority of global austerity (for the masses) and global affluence (for us and our sponsors).

Right now, we believe we have a party in power that will ensure that our dreams come true.

Years of deceit must therefore come to an end as we spell out, paragraph by paragraph, our true position.

Society, as Saint Margaret of Grantham wisely said, simply does not exist.

Community is not the building block of human existence but a barrier to the total penetration of everyday life by the global businesses that pay our wages.

Unless we have the courage to do away with so-called ‘environmental concerns’, so-called ‘human rights’ and so-called ‘democracy’, we will deprive the world’s deserving entrepreneurial elite of the unrestricted wealth and power to which they are unarguably entitled.

May the New Capitalist Order last for a Thousand Years! (Or until the planet is destroyed, whichever comes sooner).

[Note to conspiracy theorists - there is absolutely NO coded message concealed in the above article, you deluded fools]

Long to reign over us!

HAPPY and glorious - long to reign over us!

Yes, that’s the Worthing Conservatives after their recent heart-warming victory in the local elections.

The only downside was the way that True Blue Mary Harding lost her seat in Northbrook. Mary was a popular local councillor, no more so than when she promised in public to do everything in her power to halt the West Durrington development. It was hardly her fault that she was unable to attend the crucial planning committee meeting and was replaced by a fellow councillor who voted for the development - and yet it seems a scurrilous Facebook campaign succeeded in costing poor Mary her seat!

Another major downside (apart from the irritation of Worthing now having a Green councillor following the defection of former Lib Dem James Doyle) was the turnout. In some areas, such as Offington, 80% of the electorate did not vote at all. Anyone would think people were totally disillusioned with the political system and all the parties that form part of it!

Surely this is not the case, but just in case there is a whiff of Unpatriotic mutiny in the air, that nice Mr Cameron has organised a morale-boosting Feelgood Summer for us all, including England’s inevitable triumph in the Euros, the increasingly popular and value-for-money Olympics and, of course, Her Majesty the Queen’s Jubilee Celebrations And Associated Merchandising Opportunities.

On this score, the Borkpolter and our close friends in the Conservative Party, the Rotary Club, Worthing Town Centre Initiative, Sussex Police and the Freemasons, along with our corporate partners GlaxoSmithKline, have teamed up to lay on a Jubilee Jamboree on the Prom!

There’ll be no end of fun, with a Guess the MPs’ Expenses Competition, a Maggie Thatcher look-alike contest, Iain DS’s Kick-A-Cripple stall, hourly displays of Synchronised Scapegoating from the Broadwater Bigots Brigade, a Fly-Past from the Heroes of the Israeli Air Force (sponsored by Barclays Bank), a pasty raffle in aid of the Rupert Murdoch Fighting Fund and the crazy Stuff a Union Jack Up the Rear End of a Tory Fat Cat competition!!! There’ll also be a chance to make a young person in your life very happy! Thanks to the Workfare stall from Job Centre Plus, lucky youngsters will be whisked away to experience a seemingly impossible dream come true - they will get a job at a leading local supermarket. Even better, they won’t have the inconvenience of having to decide how to spend their wages, as there aren’t any! And after they’ve finished their fun placement, it’ll be someone else’s turn to ensure that the retail industry doesn’t waste any of its profits on paying its staff. See you all there folks! And whatever you do, don’t go to Brighton! (see Bork Itchings)

Academy’s moral High ground

WHAT tremendous news that Worthing High School may become an Academy!

Justice dictates those with the most wealth should have the most say over the way our children are brought up. And Academy status for this secondary school would be an important step towards a society run by and for the business men and women who have made the 21st century the success it is - with dinosaur notions of fair pay for staff or community involvement thrown once and for all into the dustbin of history where they belong.

We even hear Davison and St Andrew’s secondary schools may team up to form another Academy in town - great stuff!

Unfortunately, there is a fly in the ointment in the shape of the usual anti-business terrorists. Staff at Worthing High inexplicably voted against academy status in a ballot conducted by their union - with 94% against or undecided, and just 6% in favour. And campaigners held a public meeting in May and set up a webpage at

Troublemakers have long resisted the inevitable triumph of sound Business Principles over useless woolly ideas such as balanced education, love of learning, ethics, truth etc etc, yawn yawn.

Back in Yule 2007 we cleverly satirised this absurd attitude, writing of the Worthing High bid for ‘Trust’ status: “The move would give influence over the secondary school in South Farm Road to an unaccountable mafia of businessmen with their own barely concealed agenda. Rather than receiving a broad education for life, in keeping with the time-honoured ethos of learning, youngsters would be increasingly trained up as compliant labour units for corporations and brainwashed with neo-Thatcherite ‘enterprise’ ideology.”

Nonsense, of course, and the true nature of Worthing High’s commitment to the edu-entrepreneurial experiment is epitomised by chairman of governors Tony Cohen. He is such a Great Man that the school’s website reveals he was given a Special Award by Rhys Price, Director of Enterprise at the school (who needs teachers when you have one of them on the payroll?) for providing lucky students with a seven-week Financial Literacy course and being one of the key architects in the setting up of the national BAF (Business, Administration and Finance) Diploma.

Mr Cohen is director of Nsure in Worthing and if there was any justice in the world his firm would benefit from lucrative contracts from the future Academy. But then we would never know about it, as tiresome so-called accountability is happily not a feature of the Academy arrangement.

* Also, well done to Worthing High for continuing to host the activities of the town’s Jubilee Church, who have made such a Christian contribution to happiness and tolerance in the area by telling women seeking abortions at a Brighton clinic that they are murderers (including at least one who was pregnant through rape).

No fracking problem

WE ARE jolly pleased to see that fracking has been given the go-ahead by the government’s totally independent and unbiased advisors. We can’t imagine why anyone would think there could be problem with pumping chemical-laced water into the ground in a desperate bid to extract more gas and oil to keep the machineries of industrialisation turning! As well as being good news for the Economy, this will have spin-off benefits for the Worthing Herald, who will have loads more stories of local people battling cancer to put on their front page. Everyone’s a winner under capitalism!

The road to prosperity

WHAT a stupid idea to reduce speed limits in Worthing to 20mph! In fact, in the interests of Economic Growth there clearly should be no speed limits at all! And as for people who claim that their children could be killed by motorists traversing town at 55mph, maybe they should work a little harder and pay for a limousine to drive them around out of danger, like decent wealth-creating parents. We are also very much in favour of new A27 bypasses in Arundel and Worthing - ideally a new motorway could go across the top of Cissbury Ring, with the iron age hill fort being converted into an archaeologically-themed Service Station and Drive-Thru Fast Food Restaurant. Jobs would be created and, in case you need reminding, that is an argument that can never be trumped.

Conformity on curriculum

WE WERE appalled to hear that pupils at Chatsmore High School in Worthing walked out of lessons in protest at two 'brilliant' teachers being made redundant (Worthing Herald, March 29). The last thing we need is young people thinking for themselves. The sooner they are attending Compulsory Corporate Conformity classes in a new Nsure Business Academy the better, if you ask us.


WE WERE shocked to see that a fine local employer in Worthing has got a raw deal from Nice, the National Institute for Health and Clinic Excellence. This anti-business body decided for no good reason that the NHS should not pay £60,000 a year per patient on GlaxoSmithKline’s branded drug Benlysta when there were cheaper treatments available for the lupus condition. With that sort of attitude how do they expect GSK to keep making £8.2 billion a year profit as it did in 2011? How is underpaid boss Sir Andrew Witty expected to scrape by on a salary of £10.4m? (Guardian, March 12)
* * *

HOPEFULLY it will not be too late by the time you read this to warn you off attending a couple of appalling-sounding events in Brighton over the Jubilee weekend. These appear to be organised by persons actually opposed to two great pillars of British Civilisation - Austerity and the Arms-Manufacturing Industry. At 12 noon on Saturday June 2 supporters of Brighton Uncut ( are meeting at the Clock Tower for a Street Party and at the same hour and roughly the same place (near Barclays) on Monday June 4 anti-war protesters ( will be gathering to march to Hove Town Hall. Disgraceful!
* * *

WHAT a lot of fuss about Worthing’s marvellous £17.9m new pool not having disabled facilities (Worthing Herald, March 15). As our fellow Conservative Iain Duncan Smith, Work and Pensions Secretary, rightly said, they should report to the Workhouse for proper jobs and stop sitting (or floating!) around wasting their time as part of the idle underclass that is bringing this country to its knees (credit to our chum Ian Hart for hammering this point home in his inspiring and intelligent Worthing Herald columns!).
* * *

WE were disappointed to see that anti-aircraft missiles are being installed on rooftops in London in time for the Olympics. What about Worthing? The Conservative Association in Union Place is renowned throughout the world as a Bastion of Democracy and is surely high on the target list of the Global Terrorists who threaten us all (though also, happily, serve a useful purpose in justifying a massive never-ending transfer of tax-payers’ money to the deserving armaments and security industries! Funny old world!)
* * *

WHO could not feel sorry for Conservative candidate Vic Walker, who stuck his hand in a Worthing letterbox only to have it bitten by a Tory-hating dog! (Worthing Herald, April 19). Poor Vic felt quite faint and had to sit down for a while but mercifully his finger did not need amputating. Or even a single stitch. A truly harrowing tale.

We will bork at nothing

THE BORKPOLTER is a totally non-independent newsletter produced by sinister vested interests with the aim of warping the minds of ordinary Worthing folk. To get the next six issues through the post send a donation of £4.50 or more (sorry - the price of stamps just went up!) payable to The Porkbolter (sic!) at PO Box 4144, Worthing BN14 7NZ. You can also pick up a copy at ‘Green’ at 63 Victoria Road, Worthing (nr station). We run an email list, which you can join on request from and issue occasional Tweets via @porkbolter.

Published and printed by The Porkbolter, PO Box 4144, Worthing BN14 7NZ. No mistakin’ that this issue is entirely umop aplsdn

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