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Issue 27 - May 2000

Rebellion is Crime!

Leader Zblerrrgh condemns evil opponents of glorious state

OUR exalted leader the Mighty and Holy Supreme Commander Grand Vizier Zblerrrgh has made an historic address to the Galactic Nation. He condemned the wholly illegal and blasphemous disorders fomented by so-called “dissidents” in the heart of the Imperial Planet of Klondonx. “These criminal and seditious elements will be exterminated!!!” he firmly shrieked, his Righteous Anger nobly illustrated by the globules of Majestic Phlegm spraying from his Glorious and Humane Orifice.“Their actions have got nothing to do with convictions or belief. Indeed it has been proven in the Courts of Draconia that there is no legal alternative to the continuing rule of the Dynasty of Ko Rup Shon over all life forms in the Universe. Dissent does not exist, only vile criminality and desecration.” He pledged revenge on the evil terrorists who viciously destroyed 17 blades of grass and scribbled on a statue of Zurgl the Destroyer. “We will hunt down these evil malcontents and misfits and ensure they are brought to slow and painful justice in the Fortress of Repentance. “We are asking friends and family of the mindless thugs who occupied Tiananmen Square to turn them in to the Ministry of Obedience at once. No further occurrences can be tolerated. Ever. All rights are suspended. Permanent curfews apply.“It is only because of the bravery and courage of the Klondonxian Death Fleet that these idiots can live in a free galaxy. It is only because of my personal munificence that my subjects remain free to work in the Qzxgovian dilithium mines, receive brain-distortion from the Pvkljgqixian Matrix and choose between myself and my clone-brother Hzerrrgh at the next elections. “Slavery is Freedom! War is Peace! Rebellion is Crime! Truth is Fiction! Force is Law! Law is Justice! Do what I say, scum, or I’ll kill every single one of you!” he sagely concluded.

Meanwhile, back on Planet Earth......

some of the dozen people who travelled up from Worthing to the London Mayday celebrations give their impressions of the anti-capitalist event...

“The green in Parliament Square was great – magically transformed from a boring and sterile patch of grass to something that looked like a good allotment area, complete with compost loos (I confess I didn’t have the guts to try them out – it was getting late in the day when I saw them), pond, happy structures, permaculture information boards and lots of fully grown ripe veg! I was intrigued to hear Parliament Square described as being left ‘as a patch of mud’ on Radio 4.”
“The police operation was ‘admirable’ in the sense that they totally had their way and naturally they were violent and obnoxious. It was really useful to be reminded that we do live in a war zone – it’s been a good few years since I’ve done anything useful and amazingly had forgotten.”
“I really liked the grass mohican haircut on the Winston Churchill statue and I really can’t see that writing ‘Don’t glorify war’ on the Cenotaph amounts to the ‘desecration’ reported in the papers and echoed by the Great Blair. As usual, the journalists I heard/read had clearly been to very different event.”
“As we walked towards Parliament Square there were dozens of vans containing police tucked down every sidestreet. Once in the square we enjoyed the sunshine and tried to avoid the large number of media people. At about one o’clock a procession stopped all the traffic – which was a welcome relief – and we ate lunch sitting in the road at the junction of Whitehall, an experience unlikely to occur again!”
“The peaceful atmosphere was broken in the middle of the afternoon by two large groups of police horses galloping round one side of Parliament Square. We thought it might be time to move on before we were ‘tidied up’. The rest of the day seemed to involve the police, in full riot gear, herding us round London.

Well fancy that!

THE Daily Mail reported on May 2 that during the Mayday protests in London “a McDonald’s restaurant was virtually destroyed as terrified customers and staff fled.”Customers? In fact, as we ourselves spotted and The Guardian confirmed (May 2), the burger joint was already shut! Surely the Mail’s hacks wouldn’t just make it up as they went along! Would they ...?
The TV news reported that trade unionists had been stopped by the anarchist Mayday revellers from entering Trafalgar Square. In fact it was of course the police who stopped them – afraid that the demonstrators would merge and join forces against their common enemies.

Who has the guts to save Sussex?

THOUSANDS of empty properties are going to waste in West Sussex while the Government proposes to concrete the countryside.”This was the stark warning contained on the front page of the Worthing Guardian on April 21. The report adds: “The county has a total of 7,805 empty properties, yet the Government suggests building 14,650 new homes in the next five years. Of these 5,860 would be built on greenfield sites. An area of greenfield equivalent to Rustington could be saved from the bulldozer if empty houses were brought back into use.”Despite information of this sort and the huge wave of public opinion against the developers, the future looks bleak for rural Sussex. While the South Downs will be protected by the new National Park status, every last green corner along the coast will be built over and from the top of the hills you will see a huge suburban sprawl heading north towards Gatwick and the outskirts of London. Only specially protected areas will be spared, small park-like pockets of greenery in a grey cancer devouring this beautiful county. West Sussex County Council claims it is doing “everything possible” to stop the rape of the countryside, but most people realise that this just isn’t true. There is a line beyond which our feeble politicians are scared to tread. They are afraid to physically defy the corrupt London regime and its business pals. Once again, it will be up to us, the ordinary people of Sussex, to stand up and do whatever it takes to resist this greed-motivated destruction. “We wunt be druv” – not by all the laws, lies and riot cops in the world.

Chewing the Tory cud

WHO says that Worthing politicians aren’t prepared to face up to the root causes of the problems facing our town and society and produce some far-sighted and dynamic plans for building a better tomorrow? The exhilarating literature produced by the local Tories for the borough elections (see below) included the inspiring promise that they would be buying a special machine (cost unstated!) to clean chewing gum off the pavements. Now we can all sleep soundly in our beds.

Porky Pie’s Quiz of the Month!

ANSWER Number 3, of course. Now sit quietly for a minute and ponder over why exactly this was the case.

Mystery of the missing video

A TRULY bizarre story has emerged out of the successful campaign to close down Shamrock Farm, near Henfield, West Sussex. This really is so odd that we’re just going to relay it exactly as told in the West Sussex County Times on April 7 so you see what we mean. It stated: “Police officers fear their safety could be at risk if a video of a Shamrock Farm demonstration is used as evidence in a court case. At Horsham Magistrates Court on Tuesday a Brighton man faced a charge of disobeying a senior police officer’s instructions. “The charge relates to an alleged incident at Small Dole on January 30 during a protest against the supplying of monkeys for vivisection. But defendant Terry Kane, 36, had his hearing adjourned after it was revealed that police video footage, which could be used as evidence, had not been received by the Crown Prosecution Service, even though the alleged incident happened more than nine weeks ago. Prosecutor Louisa Taylor told the chairman of the magistrates’ bench, Mary Hamilton, that police were reluctant to appear in the video, fearing they could be tracked down and, via the Internet, their names and addresses discovered. Outside court she qualified her comment, saying: ‘Police are reluctant to disclose the video because officers’ names and addresses are believed to appear on the Internet’. Insp Ian Byford, Steyning Sector Commander, confirmed out of court that it was possible officers could be traced via the Internet. He said: ‘It’s possible. Some police officers’ stuff appears on unauthorised websites’.” We will restrict our general bemusement to three comments. Firstly, could there be another reason why the police were so reluctant to release the video? Could it possibly be that it shows them . . . No, no, no. Perish the thought. Our friendly Boys in Blue are just not capable of such a thing. Secondly, what are “unauthorised websites” – or for that matter “authorised” ones?? And thirdly, we would like to congratulate Sussex Police. They are the first winners of what we trust will be a regular Blame It On The Internet award brought to you by your monthly Pork-Bolter and judged by a top panel of Control Freaks, Government Ministers, TV Experts and Secret Policemen.

Siren call of a better future

WE were alarmed to hear that Worthing police are to move out of their traditional local HQ in Union Place. Who now will protect the Conservative Association across the road from the righteous wrath of the dispossessed majority? And, more interestingly, what will become of the site? Cynics might suggest that it will provide the space for yet another unwanted commercial intrusion into our town centre. Another huge superstore, perhaps? Or a drive-thru BSE emporium? We at The Pork-Bolter, however, would love to see the site put to a more positive use. How about a community resource centre, with youth facilities and beds for the homeless? Or why not turn it into a town centre wildlife reserve with long grass, young trees, a pond, butterflies, nesting birds, toads, newts and maybe – for the sake of historical resonance – a small herd of wild pigs roaming freely to and fro . . .

Keeping track of privacy loss

GOOD news for enemies of individual privacy and freedom. A new invention, being commercially marketed, is a “a revolutionary satellite tracking system to enable parents to keep an eye on their children 24 hours a day” (The Guardian, April 10). Even better news is that Tony Rose, the businessman behind the scheme, plans to give away ten million KidBugs through schools and doctors’ surgeries, in the hope that parents will later cough up the £10 a month fee to use them. Of course, it’s not just little children you can keep track of with bugs hidden in their clothing – “Some parents may use KidBug to monitor older children and teenagers suspected of truanting or mixing with the wrong people.” And why stop there? Why not have every single one of us tracked and monitored every hour, every day, every second of our little robot lives? After all, as they’re always telling us, if you’ve nothing to hide you’ve nothing to fear. . .

70.6% boycott the ballot

A RESOUNDING majority of Worthing people have told the town hall politicians where they can stuff their tedious party political games, with 70.64% refusing to take part in the sham exercise in “democracy” on May 4 and only 29.36% bothering to take part. For the record, the Tories got in again, but the real winners are the wised-up majority who know from bitter experience that no matter who you vote for you still end up with the same old bunch of corrupt cronies running the town for their own porkin’ benefit.


DAEWOO is, as readers may be aware, a South Korean business which makes millions of motor cars to clog up the world’s roads, kill people, pollute the air, give children asthma etc etc. It has also been in the news recently for wanting to extend its Worthing site car park onto downland a threat that has not yet disappeared. How appropriate, then, that Worthing Borough Council should present it with the 1999 Worthing Publicity Award, with the announcement that (Worthing Herald, March 30) “Their development work is very customer focused and geared towards the needs of the motorist and the environment in the 21st century. Yeah, right.
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A PORK-BOLTER reader is appealing for Worthing folk to get campaigning against the Canadian seal hunt. Jacqueline Deeks of Rustington is urging people to send donations to the 2000 Seal Emergency Campaign Fund at IFAW, PO Box 138, Moulton House, Pondwood Close, Northampton NN3 6WB, or write in protest to Roy MacLaren, Canadian High Commissioner, One Grosvenor Square, London W1X 0AB.
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PLANS are well underway for an organic food co-operative in Worthing. But there is still room on board for enthusiastic potential co-operative members. If you’re interested, e-mail as soon as possible.
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THE next meeting is on Tuesday June 6, from 7.30pm at 42 Marine Parade (on the seafront above Paiges bar). As usual, there will be a chance to chat after the meeting and catch up with the latest news. All welcome. See you there!
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THE Earth First! Summer Gathering is this year being held in wonderful Snowdonia, north Wales, from June 7 to 11. Camping space available. Cost is £10 per person. Details 0113 2629365.

Illegal opinions: An official warning

THE MINISTRY of Freedom points out that following emergency legislation provoked, drawn up and put into place on Monday May 1, it is now a criminal offence to be “anti-capitalist”. Furthermore, under the new Regulation of Opinion Act (2000), the public will only be allowed to express authorised points of view as laid down by the Government. The Ministry stresses that this law is by no means restrictive for sensible, law-abiding citizens and will only affect anti-social and criminal elements. There are no restrictions on opinions praising the Government, the Opposition, the Liberal Democrats, any business or business-related venture. However, views not meeting these criteria are subject to Ministerial scrutiny and a license to express them will not be granted if the Minister believes they are likely to be prejudicial to public confidence in the Government and the free market economy or if they are likely to incite others to hold opinions that may fall within this jurisdiction. Failure to register opinions for Government approval can result in 20 years’ imprisonment, confiscation of property and removal of tongue to prevent re-offending.

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THE PORK-BOLTER is an independent community newsletter for Worthing, untainted by the profit-motive and with no other agenda other than revealing part of the horrible truth about what is going on here and in the big wide world, behind the plastic facade of empty global consumerism. If you want to make sure of getting a copy of issue 28, simply send us a stamped self-addressed envelope. To get the next six issues send a donation of at least £2 to cover costs. Copies of back issues are still available. Cheques/postal orders made payable to The Pork-Bolter. email subscriptions also available. Drop us a line: or PO Box 4144, Worthing, West Sussex, BN14 7NZ. website:

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and finally ... Don't get depressed - get out there and get at them!