the pork-bolter
No 65, Yule 2004/2005

Only thousands dead as tanks and bombers bring Christmas joy to town

US troops liberate Worthing

US TROOPS pushed into the centre of Worthing yesterday, fighting their way house to house and eliminating thousands of insurgents in a bid to bring peace and security to the West Sussex borough.

On the second day of the long-awaited assault, US army forces pressed into the town from Lancing in the east, while marine units drove their way down in two prongs from Findon and Broadwater, halted only temporarily by the traffic lights at Thomas A Becket and some idiot on the mini-roundabout near the fire station.

Fighter bombers and heavy artillery fire from Cissbury Ring and Highdown helped clear the way as the troops advanced into the most dangerous areas.

By midday the tanks of the advancing liberators had crossed the railway line west of the station, after the barriers finally went up, and seized the town’s hospital in Lyndhurst Road, which they said had been the main source of propaganda in reporting so-called ‘casualties’ and even alleged ‘deaths’ among the population. The destruction of the notorious hospital and cleansing of its entire staff would put a welcome end to these hideous lies, said commanders.

The sweeping up operation continued in the area of the town around Montague Street, South Street and Warwick Street, where large numbers of insurgents were discovered carrying suspicious objects wrapped in plastic carrier bags. Although apologists for the terrorists have been quick to claim the insurgents had been ‘shopping’, sources inside the US military have assured embedded journalists that the packages were in fact crudely made explosive devices which would have caused untold carnage if the insurgents had not been quickly and hygienically neutralised.

As marine commander John W. Anchor told his troops in a video message: “Our argument is not with the people of Worthing, but with the anti-Worthing elements who live here. We are after terrorists, not anybody else, and I cannot stress enough that our sole aim is to restore the rule of law to Worthing, which is so badly in need of democratic stabilisation. “Now let’s go kick some yellow-teethed limey faggot ass!"

As the advancing troops cleansed large swathes of the town, they were shocked to discover dozens of terrorist training camps for children aged four years upwards, where insurgent ring-leaders, or ‘teachers’, had been indoctrinating the youngsters with anti-American concepts such as ‘caring for the environment’ and ‘learning about other cultures around the world’.

There was also disturbing evidence that these fanatics had been forcing children to indulge in the practice of ‘soccer’, an ungodly version of real stateside football. These fanatic young cadres were duly eliminated by the heroic US forces, thus eliminating a malignant source of terrorism for decades to come.

Yet more horror was still to be unearthed by the Allied forces, though. They found that in order to impede their advance, the insurgents had actually flooded a huge expanse of land to the south of Marine Parade, the watery devastation reaching as far as the eye could see.

And sticking out over the floodwaters was a grim metal girdered military compound, in which was housed the prize discovery of this operation - a top-level training centre for the use of a wide range of weaponry, featuring hi-tech battle simulation equipment as well as scale models of an Al Qaeda plot to destroy New York, Washington and Tel Aviv with cascading mountains of massive copper-coloured metal discs.

To whoops of joy from the watching soldiers, the whole evil edifice was blown to smithereens by a fleet of 16 helicopter battleships, the blood of the slain insurgent scum adding a welcome note of colour to this desolate, grey land of hate. Although it may take a few days to clear the final pockets of resistance, the Americans are confident they have broken the back of the insurgency.

Licking his fingers thoughtfully at the end of an historic and victorious day in the War on Terror, Col Saunders of the US Humanitarian Peacekeeping Corps reflected: “We had to destroy Worthing in order to save it.”

* This report has been compiled within the restrictions imposed by West Sussex County Council and the Content Watch corporation of Salt Lake City.

Tiny protests to be ignored

TINY numbers of sad liberal freaks protested in the USA yesterday against the liberation of Worthing. Authorities put the numbers at less than 70 million in only 27 cities and urged the media not to pander to the unpatriotic elements by providing them with the oxygen of publicity (NB: NOT FOR PUBLICATION).

The true sting in the tale...

THE total number of Iraqi civilians killed since the US/UK invasion was estimated by a scientific paper in The Lancet, the prestigious medical journal, at 100,000 – the same as the entire population of Worthing borough.

Bridge is chained shut as ecologists act to save seabed

SUSSEX ecologists are taking action against a new threat which looks like fouling up the Sussex environment both on dry land and at sea.

Those greedy capitalists’ latest scheme is to dredge the seabed off our coast - destroying invaluable marine habitats - to provide raw material for the concrete tide of housing and roads covering our countryside.

But some people are clearly determined not to let them get away with it. On November 10, ecologists used cycle locks to force closed the Newhaven Swing Bridge on the A259 in East Sussex, blocking the exit of the Hanson dredging ship, the ARCO Dart, at high tide. The bridge was due to open at 9pm but was closed for an hour and a half while the ship’s crew struggled to remove the locks and eventually had to call in the fire service.

The action was part of a growing campaign. It follows an action at Shoreham on Monday October 24, when workers at Hanson Aggregates arrived in the morning to find compound gates closed and locked with chains. Past actions by a variety of groups have targeted the offices of RMC in Leeds, Huddersfield and Norwich, the office of United Marine Aggregates in Chichester and the Dredging International offices in East Grinstead. These companies have all been pushing for the opening up of a huge new swathe of the East Channel to marine quarrying.

Carol Gillard, involved in the Newhaven action, stated: “Today’s action is a warning of things to come. If the government allows the destruction of the East Channel’s diverse sea life we pledge to make it a costly mistake - economically and politically. The companies will see daily direct action on land, at harbour and at sea.” The Office of the Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, is expected to announce whether it will allow aggregate dredging in the East Channel fish spawning ground in the next few months.

Censorship from Salt Lake City...

AN AMERICAN corporation is behind the censorship of The Porkbolter’s website by West Sussex County Council’s information shop for young people, it has emerged.

Our story in the last issue prompted enquiries from readers and the Worthing Herald to County Hall in Chichester. But what was meant to be a reassuring response from council communications manager Jane Robinson left a number of crucial questions unanswered. She claimed that the blocking was not censorship, but was just a software package called Content Watch picking out certain words mentioned on websites and on that basis determining they should not be viewed. Why does the council think that passing the blame onto software absolves it of committing censorship? It’s just censorship via a software package!

Content Watch is an American corporation based in Mormon territory - Salt Lake City. It boasts of a highly complex system of filtering, including the use of combined ‘whitelists’ and ‘blacklists’ of approved and unapproved terms, references and even weblinks. The firm says on its website: “Users can control access to Web sites for pornography, gambling, hate groups, graphic violence and 29 other categories as well as filter and block inbound email.” So what’s the definition of ‘hate groups’ in the current paranoid US political climate? And what are the unspecified 29 other categories? Which one of them blocks even a humble Google search on the word ‘anarchism’?

This is political censorship all right, but censorship by the back door, through a Trojan Horse introduced from abroad and apparently escaping any scrutiny or debate.

Did Content Watch explain to the county council exactly what its system would be blocking? Did the council ask? Does the Worthing public have a right to know and to challenge its judgements, given that the system is, after all, run on public money? Why not ask the council’s communications manager direct at or on 01243 777117?

* When we sent the press release on this issue to the Worthing Herald we received a reply from the editor informing us that, ironically enough, the newspaper’s spam filter had blocked our email until overridden by the boss himself. Meanwhile Tony Mayes in the Herald’s sister paper the Worthing Advertiser completely failed to grasp the issue (not for the first time, it has to be said!), when he declared “it was not political censorship at all” and insisted it was all our fault for using ‘expletives’, adding: “I suggest the Porkbolter should clean up its act”. You can thank him for his advice at

Whose side are they on?

EVER wondered where The Sentinel, the local history orientated Worthing publication put out from time to time by The Argus, got its name from? We reckon we might have discovered the answer in (where else?) a local history book. West Sussex Events by Spencer Thomas (Phillimore, 2003) tells of the popularity of smuggling in Sussex early in the 19th century, when huge taxes were imposed by the state to pay for the Napoleonic Wars (sound familiar?). He writes: “The situation was so desperate that the government eagerly adopted a proposal to combat organised smuggling with a permanent beach cordon of armed naval troops called ‘Sentinels’. It was expensive but preferable to anarchy and a loss of face.”

One can only speculate as to why The Argus would want to be associated with paramilitary state shock troops imposing the taxman’s rule on the hard-up folk of Sussex... But rest assured that The Porkbolter’s sympathies lie firmly with the good ole’ smuggling boys and their copious supplies of cheap duty free liquor!

Playing the terror card

“WE’VE entered the world of George Orwell’s 1984 20 years late.”

That was the reaction of Lib Dem MP Bob Russell of the Home Affairs Select Committee to the ID cards which the authoritarian neo-Labour government is determined to impose on us. The ID cards, announced in the Queen’s Speech on November 23, are much more scary than anything seen elsewhere and will feature “unique biometric identifiers” and be linked to a massive Big Brother database designed to track and monitor every move every one of us makes. Initially they will be “voluntary” but will be sneaked in when you renew driving licenses or passports and soon become compulsory (info:

Needless to say the government is trying hard to link in the ID scheme to its paranoia-inducing scaremongering over “terrorism”. By an astonishing coincidence, an unlikely tale of an Al Qaeda plot to attack Canary Wharf appeared in much of the press on the very morning of the Queen’s Speech...

Where’s our Xmas break?

WITH Christmas and Boxing Day falling on a Saturday and Sunday this year, you may be looking forward to a nice long festive break. But not if you’re a Worthing shop worker, many of whom have been instructed to turn up for work on the bank holiday Monday and Tuesday, without even a decent compensation package. This leaves them, of course, with just the usual two-day weekend. Happy porkin’ Xmas!

Our employment rights adviser tells us you DON’T HAVE TO WORK on the bank holiday if you haven’t in the past – and depending on your contract. With the same situation looming next year, now’s the time to draw a line in the sand and stand up to scrooge employers.

And if you don’t fancy a direct confrontation, there’s always that mysterious stomach bug you picked up over the Yule weekend... Reclaim your Christmas!

Arrest a toff on Feb 19!

MASS citizen’s arrests of fox hunters! That’s what’s being proposed by opponents for Saturday February 19, the day after the bloodsport finally becomes illegal. Contact


WE WERE fascinated to read in the Worthing Herald’s coverage of the Sherylgate scandal at Worthing Borough Council of former chief executive Michael Ball’s Rowan Atkinson-related nickname (November 11). However, we reckon he’s less Blackadder and more Mr Bean...
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SAD news. Joan Glass, the stalwart Worthing environmental campaigner and Green Party activist has died after an illness. Joan was also prominent during the town’s anti-war protests and one of the last times we saw her was on the massive march against George W Bush’s visit to London last year. She will be greatly missed by many, not least for her fine sense of humour.
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BRIGHTON’S SchNEWS team have really surpassed themselves with their tenth anniversary book, SchNEWS at Ten. Dispensing with the usual annual round-up of their weekly newsletter, they have instead gone for an amazing long-term history of the protest movement in Britain today, with first hand reports on everything from the free party scene, the poll tax protests and anti-roads camps, with even Worthing getting a mention in dispatches. This should be on the school history syllabus (and your bookshelf!). Get a copy for £9 incl post via, from the Cowley Club at 12 London Road, Brighton or via us here at The Porkbolter.
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“SAFE. Effective. Fun. Hangs on your keychain and turns off virtually any television.” The ‘TV-B-Gone’ gadget is available from
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THE DEATH of former PM Margaret Thatcher is being eagerly awaited by those disrespectful anarchists (uh-oh, here comes the online censorship!) at Class War, who have called a party in Trafalgar Square, scene of the historic anti-Poll Tax riots, for the Saturday after the Iron Lady finally kicks the Tin Bucket. Starts 6pm - bring fireworks and beer!
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“THE EARLY days of Greek Anarchism” is the latest educational booklet from the excellent Kate Sharpley Library (£3, BM Hurricane, London WC1N 3XX). Ooops, it’s that a-word again... what are we thinking of?
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ENJOY a bit of New Year political discussion and latest info upstairs at The Downview, Tarring Road, Worthing, on Tuesday January 4, from 7.45pm. And be sure to be there on Tuesday February 8 (NB, not the usual first Tuesday) at the same time, when the second Porkbolter video will get its first ever screening!
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ANTI-G8 protesters have been upping the ante in the run-up to the summit in Scotland on July 6-8. On November 5, they marched on Wiston House near Steyning, where the Wilton Park conference centre was holding one of its regular high-level capitalist shindigs, featuring nasties from the IMF, the German stock exchange and all sorts of big business movers and shakers. More info on the Worthing group from Shut the G8
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EARTH First! is holding its winter moot somewhere in the Sussex countryside on February 4-6. Contact or call 07837 942373.

Warning: don’t forget to give

‘NEVER forget the true meaning of Christmas is all about giving’ said the Minister for Humbug yesterday. He added: “If you work in the retail sector this means giving up your holiday and, for the rest of you, it means giving as much of your dosh to shops as possible. As for me, I simply don’t give a festive fig.”

Unauthorised information

THE PORKBOLTER is an independent Worthing newsletter produced by volunteer insurgents and totally unauthorised by the interim government. To get the next six issues through the post send a donation of at least £3 payable to The Porkbolter. Drop us a line at PO Box 4144, Worthing, West Sussex BN14 7NZ. Send e-mail to e-mail subscriptions are also available.

Christmas special

The printed version of this issue is a four-page special, featuring an A3 size Porkbolter Bumber Yuletide Special Puzzle Page, which can't be included on this website due to technical incompetence... If you feel you're missing out and would like a copy, simply send an SAE marked "Yule edition" to the usual address.

Published and printed by The Pork-Bolter, PO Box 4144, Worthing BN14 7NZ. No copyright, no ****ing expletives in this ****ing newsletter, you ****!

and finally ...
Reclaim Your Town, Reclaim Your Life!

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